Letters To Ampy – Letter Two

By Theresa Calderini on August 29th, 2008 »

Download Letters to Ampy_Letter Two

Letter Two

“We do not remember days,

We remember moments.”

                              Ceasare Pavese

My Dearest Anthony,

            You are one day old and I have yet to see you or hold you in my arms. After your delivery, I was taken to a recovery room to get some rest. I couldn’t sleep because you were somewhere in this big hospital, away from me and I was sure that you were afraid of not being with me. The nurses would come in and check on me but would refrain from looking at me for fear, I’m sure of those probing questions. “Where is my son?” “Why won’t you let me see him?” Instead, they checked my blood pressure, changed my IV and out the door they went. Time and time again what I never understood was why every time they left the room, they turned the lights off. It was dark and gloomy, as if they were silently preparing me what our life would be like. I hated being in that dark room, wondering what was wrong with you and even worse than that, if you were even still alive.  My first day as a mother ended, leaving my heart extremely heavy with grief. For the first time since I learned you would be coming into my life, I wondered how long you would be able to stay.

            Day two and I sat in the rocking chair with empty arms. Your father tried as best he could to relax and sit with me while we waited for you. I don’t think either one of us really knew what to say to each other. Even if we did, what comfort would the conversation bring? We didn’t understand what was going on, nobody would tell us anything and when they did talk to us, it was to tell us to be patient and understand they had to run their tests.

            I had a teacher in high school who use to lift his little pinkie finger in the air, stare at me and say “Patience is a virtue Ms. Theresa, in which I am exceedingly short”. I learned many years later that this statement could be used in many situations and events that had to do with you because my patience level was extremely lacking! While waiting in that hospital room, I remembered that statement and tried as hard as I could to make it applicable, but it wasn’t easy!

            The end of the 2nd day came and with it, my empty heart followed. I had yet to hold you in my arms and was beginning to absorb the enormity of your situation. I think it was on this day that I started to grief within my heart and to say goodbye to you, even though I hadn’t yet met you. A future with you became a fantasy which was swept away with the reality of your impending death. I sat in that rocking chair holding my head in my hands and for the first time, I became angry. The direction of my anger was not clear, it was just there and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I hated God for doing this to you and I then I hated myself for bringing you into a world that you couldn’t survive in. What kind of parent would allow such pain and misery to a child she was suppose to love unconditionally? I must have done something really bad in my younger years to have reaped this level of wrath from God. I could have laid down and died that day Anthony if it meant you could survive. My anger turned into bargaining and I offered just that to the heavens; my life in exchange for yours. I wanted you to have the opportunity to live a full, healthy life and if this meant giving up my own, I would do it for you. You deserved a chance to live.

            I now understood what it meant for a mother to love her child unconditionally Anthony. I was willing to give it all up for you if it meant you wouldn’t have pain or suffering. I never had to see you, hear you, touch you or hold you to know that I would do this for you because I loved you. I loved you, even if you would never be able to love me in return.

            This is when I realized that I had to fight and you had to fight. If I had to do it for both of us then I would because I loved you as no one else could.  Surely this bond would reach you wherever you were in that hospital and you would recognize it in its simplest meaning. You were loved and I was going to be with you and fight for you no matter what that meant.

Without ever laying eyes on you, our bond was formed in that little hospital room and would be the beginning of a love that most would never experience in their entire lifetime.

            And then it happened Anthony……..the door opened and into my life you entered…….

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